Caught on the Corner of Indecision
Today’s guest blog is written by Amy Elaine Martinez. Amy Elaine Martinez is devoted to helping heart-shattered lives become whole again in Christ. She's a Victory Girl at heart who loves leading women to experience breakthrough & find freedom through an intimate relationship with Jesus. She's an Okie who loves pecan pie, fried okra, & exploring the plains off historic Route 66 where she lives in a tiny barn with the love of her life, David, and an Aussie named Maverick, who stole her heart after their two boys (Sidney & Gabriel) left to adventure out on their own. She's a Mom-in-Law & Yia-Yia too. Amy Elaine prefers cowboy boots & flip flops if she's wearing shoes at all. She's the host of The Grade Frontier Podcast, a Bible teacher, former radio host, & Word junkie who loves Jesus wildly. Amy Elaine's Blog, A Broken Girl Made Whole, inspires women to walk in wholeness & live in victory through the transforming power of Holy Spirit. Becoming a Victory Girl: Staking Your Claim in The Kingdom is available on Amazon or by contacting Amy Elaine directly via email. Connect with Amy Elaine on IG and FB at amyelainewrites or visit her website at amyelaine.com.
Caught on the Corner of Indecision
Sitting in my favorite chair, coffee in hand, I began to read a blog series you might be familiar with––yep, it was none other than Sara Claudia’s Women of Faith Series. But before I knew it, I fell down the rabbit hole of comparison. As I read each beautiful story of hardships overcome and finding God in the harshest of realities, I felt grossly inadequate to tell my own. Life had dealt some harsh blows to these incredible women, yet against the odds, they overcame the unprovoked adversity thrust upon them in the most remarkable ways.
Dear God, Be Merciful
Me: “That’s not my story, God; in my story, I’m the perpetrator of the harm done, the sin committed. I was the one who left the trail of destruction behind me. Help, I have nothing worthy to share…”
God: “Your story is worthy of being told because I intervened.”
In that moment, I heard the still small voice of God reminding me of the deep heart work He’d done in me. Though it wasn’t pretty, in the end, it was beautiful because it’s where God took this broken girl and made her whole again.
When the worst in us brings back our bad behavior, the goodness of God makes a way out for us.
It’s been 20 years now, but sometimes feels like yesterday. All at once, the blinders fell off and I saw my sin for what it was—ugly, unsatisfied, and eager to lure me down the path of destruction. I was standing at the corner of indecision. Mercifully, God showed up and caught me that fateful day.
Instead of being “caught red-handed,” I was caught in the arms of my Savior. What could have been the end of another marriage, turned into the breakthrough I desperately needed, finally setting free from me.
When I decided to walk by faith in the forgiveness He’d already given, I gained the sight to see myself as God does. There are moments in life; they will make you or break you. On rare occasion, life catches you off guard enough to do both—make you and break you.
In God’s upside-down Kingdom, it’s possible to simultaneously fall apart and be set apart to survive and share your story.
The Back Story:
Ten years into my now thirty-year marriage, in a season of self-sabotage, I’d convinced myself I was unworthy of anything good. Since I was sure to fall again, why not get it over with––fall hard and fast, face-first, back into the pit of sin I’d somehow managed to escape once before. This was my story, destined and labeled by the scarlet letter.
However, unless I told on myself, no one knew about my past infidelity. I’d moved and remarried. I was a Jesus-loving girl, teaching Bible studies; my life had changed. Only a few knew and it was easy to hide (or so I thought).
Five more years went by, I’d been called into ministry. But, if you can’t share your testimony, it’s hard to minister to others to help them find the healing you’ve received. It was a right now-moment if I wanted to see others be set free.
Honestly, I didn’t know where my truth-telling would lead; though I was scared, I remembered what a dear friend, LaTan Roland Murphy, once said:
“Courage goes anyway.”
Finally, in a moment of clarity, I knew; though nothing physical happened in my almost-affair, it was time to come clean with the man I loved. So, after years of throwing a friend under the bus, I finally told my husband the real truth behind a broken friendship—why she’d walked away a few years before. I’d lied one too many times and though my heart would eventually be changed, she’d had enough. I couldn’t blame her––at that point, I was sick of me too.
Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads, not sure which way to go?
Fear screams, “Don’t do it!” And, at the same time your spirit whispers, “Do it scared!” Admittedly, I’ve been tempted to sit on the curb, paralyzed by indecision. But not this time, something compelled me to step out in faith even though I could not see how this could possibly end well.
Fortunately, God got the glory. It wasn’t pretty, almost cost me my marriage and a Director of Women’s Ministry title, but grace paved the way. Mercy was my soft landing. God used everything the enemy meant to destroy me to bring me to the place where my story could be told (and retold).
When I couldn’t see a way, faith led me to take my first courageous step––freeing me to share my story with the women God brings into my path. To teach them about the power of deciding to stay instead of stray—to be true to God, their marriage and to themselves.
Friend, if you find yourself standing on the corner of Scared and Courageous, filled with indecision, there’s a compass pointing to True North. The Lord is gracious, showing mercy when we’re not sure which way to go. (Isaiah 30:18-21) Our story is His story too.
What breaks us often makes us move forward into the ministry God’s made for us.
Courage goes anyway, crying out, “Here I am, Lord, send me to the broken, needy, the wayward ones like me.” (Isaiah 6:8)
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